Hi Everyone! We turn from friendship to romantic relationships this week and the Wood text makes alot of comparisions between the two, they do share many stages and dialectical tensions...however, once a friendship becomes romantic, it rarely can return to "just friendship"--Why do you think is?
Tolle states, "Unless and until you access the consciousness of being "present"-intimate relationships will be flawed...True love is beyond the 'romantic' relationship...the reason romantic level love relationships are intense and sought after is partially because they promise delivery from fear, need, and other incomplete feelings which we can choose to work on within ourselves instead of looking for them in someone else" (paraphrased from The Power of Now, p. 140-150). What does this mean to you? Can you share an example that connects with these ideas? Keep it rated G for your old, stodgy teacher! Haha--Smiles--Sandra
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When a friendship becomes romantic it changes how you perceive the person that you say "i love you" to. I think this is because once you experience "love" with this other person you can never go back to seeing them the way you use to when you first met them, as a stranger or friend. Love has a very abstract meaning, one person might say love is a feeling you cant describe and another might say love is when you do this and that with a person. my example of this would be love for a pet, not that you marry and LOVE your pet but just feelings in general. if you ever had a pet dog and you grew up with it since it was a puppy , you would share many experiences with it, good, bad, fun etc and as you spend more and more time with the dog you become attached. the dog becomes part of your life routine feeding, walkin, playing all that neat stuff you do with pets. Now to tell that you really have this feeling of LOVE is when or if this dog disappears outta your life (dies). what you find in your pet dog is that you did truly love it. i guess thats my kinda not really example of love. truthfully i really dont know what true love is but when i find out ill know
ReplyDeleteI believe that once a friend becomes a romantic partner, you never quite comprehend them the same way anymore because you've already imagined or experienced a relationship with them and can't seem to forget "what could have been" or progress from what you had with that person. Sometimes people are in denial because they want things to work out with that friend turned boyfriend/girlfriend since they know things won't be the same if they go back. Maybe they just don't want to lose that friend!
ReplyDeleteBut I agree with Brandon, I think love is an absract idea and is objective to the person, the circumstance, and the time period in which it takes place, be that the era or the time in the persons life (their age). I think all these factors play a role in an individuals definition of the term. I however, also can not tell you what love is from experience, but talk to me in a couple years - maybe I'll be able to tell you then!
I have had friends that turned romantic. One of my experiences or many with this is that that I always tried to turn my close friendships into romantice. I thought that it would be perfect because then we would already know one another. I saw every potential friend as a romantic relatioship potential. I was always trying to get from them what was missing from me. i did not know this at that time , but I could not figure out whay it never truly worked out. I am not currently seeking a relationship instead working on myself with my higher power. I feel more at piece and I know I will be abel to bring myself and not my baggage to a relationship in a unhealthy way. My program has taught and teaching me where to put things with people in my life so I don't feel this intense needs to seek from others of what they can't give to me. I struggle with this but I am learning how not to and sometimes the growing pains are hard, but it is better then how I was living with friends, lovers and trying to just hook into someone else. I have learned that no one person can fullfill all my needs and that is very freeing. So I agree true is flawed but it is still good and can be healthy. Michelle P
ReplyDeleteI agree with Bharathi that if it does turn romantic it changes. I have had relationships where I have been in a room and let me count the ways that I have hit on them or we did have relations or whatever. I wanted to keep this g rated to Sandra, basically that is why I had to leave WA!Michelle
ReplyDeleteI think that Communication is the basis of any relationship. If the ex-lovers can stablish good and open communication among themselves, the resentment and emotional pain in the love failure can be replaced by a good platonic union. it can be extremely helpful for the two
ReplyDeleteof you to clearly define together your relationship and what you want and expect from the other.
I think that Communication is the basis of any relationship. If the ex-lovers can stablish good and open communication among themselves, the resentment and emotional pain in the love failure can be replaced by a good platonic union. it can be extremely helpful for the two
ReplyDeleteof you to clearly define together your relationship and what you want and expect from the other. ABrar
I believe the best romantic relationship would have to be the people who were friends first. I think that sometimes that when people are friends you can get to know each other and every thing about that person and how they are. I think that it can get damaged too. A relationship that is a friendship that turns into a romantic one can sometimes get messed up and and not be the same and sometimes the friendship is ruined and will not become the same. I don't think that the relationship will be as strong as it was before.
ReplyDeleteBrianne K
I agree with Tolle when he says "True love is beyond the 'romantic' relationship". I believe this because when you have reached true love with a partner there is not doubt, worry, fear, etc. You feel completely comfortable with one another and there is full commitment and trust.
ReplyDeleteSpeaking from experience, being friends after it has turned romantic is hard. It is possible, but I think it takes time. Once you have fallen in love with someone and grown with them, it is hard to go your seperate ways and still think of them the same after. The memories are always there and the attatchment is too. But, I believe there is more than just "one person" out there for everyone. And love works in mysterious ways :)
Paige Miller
I definitely believe that good friends make the best romantic partners. Once the initial *spark* of love/lust wears off--and it ALWAYS does, if you don't have a strong friendship to fall back on you have nothing to keep the relationship going. Sharing common interests, goals and dreams and an ability to have a great conversation are the most important aspects of romantic love in my opinion. If you don't enjoy doing things together and sharing time together, then the relationship falters.
ReplyDeleteAmber Beckton
I remember I heard of a song by this one R&B singer about a friend-turned-lover situation in which they fought all the time and then in the end, he just wanted his friend back. I think the song was called "Half Crazy", and I forgot the name of the singer. But this topic kinda reminded me of the song. In the end, the guy basicly said that being involved with a friend romantically ruined everything. It was pretty sad.
ReplyDeleteSo uhh... choose your romantic partners wisely! :)
I think it's very possible for friends to reach an intimate level. The real problem lies in the very core of their intimate communication. To be so used to talking/interacting with your partner on a friendship level just to suddenly be thrown into a heavily intimate relationship is sometimes hard to adjust to. And when that adjustment between both partners doesn't happen correctly, all prior relationships both friendly and intimate are dissolved. After that happens... it's hard to salvage anything between both parties.
ReplyDelete=CraigC
A intimate relationship can end in a friendship depending on how it ends. If the relationship ends on a betrayal of trust, that can leave no room for a reconnection on the level of any friendship. Alot of people cannot look at the other person the same if they have been dishonest, whether it be a friendship or intimate partner. I believe that to be an ultimate deal breaker, making it difficult to start over. But if the intimate relationship ends politely with little damage done I believe the two can continue their friendship with no problems.
ReplyDeleteMimi L.
I believe that a relationship will only become intimate if you put in the investments to make it intimate. You can't seek to have an intimate relationship with someone whom which you've never shared personal feelings with. It takes time for a relationship to become intimate. You have to get to know the person on many different levels. You can't just automatically choose to have an intimate relationship with someone who doesn't want to have one with you.It has to be wanted on both sides of the stick.U-KYR@
ReplyDeleteTrue, friendship can turn to a romantic relationship
ReplyDeleteBut I believe it can turn back, Jerry and Elaine from the The show Seinfeld, they dated and then became friends
To be more serious, What it takes for a romantic relationship to turn to just a friendship is mutual understanding. Most relationships arent ended by both parties saying its over. They end because one or the other isnt getting what they want out of the relationship
So if both parties end the relationship mutally and they want to stay friends
it could work
My best relationships have all been with people I was friends with first. I'm not still friends with most of them though, so I guess I'd have to say that the friend/girlfriend progression only goes one way. I think there's way too much emotion after a relationship to reform a working friendship. I think "we can still be friends" is one of those things people say but can't really handle. One party or the other is not going to be ok with it in the end.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Mimi and Rob that a romantic relationship can go back to a friendship depending on the circumstances and how the romance part ended-- and communication and understanding what the significant other wants/ needs plays a factor. If both come to an agreement that they themselves cannot commit to one another for whatever reasons (e.g., time, lack of interest/passion), it may end in them being friends. I've known a few people who were initially friends, then became romantically involved, ended it, and are now practially the best of friends--who share everything with one another. Others that I've known are mutual friends, while there are some that shouldn't be put in the same room together.
ReplyDeleteI think it would be difficult to (but not impossible) to remain friends with a former romantic partner, mainly because of being able to let go of all the feelings you've once shared with that person in the past-- and seeing that person may be painful--especially if you're the one still holding onto something that's not there anymore.
--JuliaK
After reading everyone's responses- i can't disagree with any of it. If two people are mature enough to be honest with themselvs, and with each other about thier intentions then the possibility of a friendship is relevent. However, like Bharthi had said, once in a romantic, intimate relationship; it can be hard to look at that person as anything else. Im my own experiences i can say that time is a healer. If you and the other person enjoy each others company and the friendship isn't forced--it's possible.
ReplyDeleteFrom personal experience I would support the idea that the best romantic relationships will start out as friends.
ReplyDeleteLike Amber said, when the initial spark, or honeymoon period wears off, a couple needs something to fall back on. If a couple can be supported by a previous friendship that had developed into romance I believe that couple will have a better chance at a successful relationship.
After the initial 3-6 months of the honey moon phase, reality always sets in and if the couple lacks the ability to communicate, the relationship is doomed. However, with a friendship to fall back on, communication will prevail. After all friendships are held together because of their communication and common interests - I mean, Why else are we friends?
Tim Cereceres
While I'm not an expert on this topic I do have some thoughts. People who enter into a friendship don't seem to expect as much as people who enter into a romantic relationship. Like Tolle said, romantic relationships might be sought because "they promise delivery from fear, need, and other incomplete feelings..." If people transfer from one relationship with lower expectations to one with higher expectations, it may be nearly impossible for the human mind to revert to the way "it once was." Also, just as interpersonal communication is irreversible, I think that romantic relatonships might fall under the same category of being irreversible to a degree.
ReplyDeleteDaniel McNeil
I must say that this topic hits home for me. I do believe that you must be someone's friend in order to build a strong relationship. From personal experience, I have started a rmantic relationship with someone that I was really close with. Things definitely changed between us, but I felt as though I had the best of both worlds. Unfortunately things didn't work out, but we still to this day have a bond that is beautiful.
ReplyDeleteHe has moved on and I have done the same. When we are around eachother there is a bit of empty space. We both have a look in our eyes. I guess we both miss our romantic relationship, but we cherish our genuine friendship more than anything else.We still talk about everything with eachother. I believe that when you turn any relationship romantic things and feelings are going to change. It is a risk, but in life we take risks all the time.
Bless McCrary
I think it is difficult for romantic relationships to return to friendships because of how much the couple confided in each other when they were together. This creates a bond between the couple that is hard to erase completely. If my boyfriend and I were to ever break up, I would find it nearly impossible to create a friendship with him. I go to him to chase my fears away, to comfort me in hard times, to laugh when I need it most, and to feel loved and cared for. To me, it would be hard to build a mere friendship with him if it means I have to ignore the type of bond I used to have with him. Does that make sense...? >_<
ReplyDeleteHeather Ito
Yea I can see the difficulty returning to a friendship from a romantic relationship, but actually I've managed to accomplish this with all my exes. Of course the friendship isn't exactly what it once was but it at least came back. I think the reason why I was able to accomplish this was because none of my relationships ended unhappily. My relationships have never ended in an argument or fight of some sort. Usually when I see a couple end because of a fight it never goes back to a friendship from what I can tell. Getting back to the point though our friendship returned, our communication was hardly what it once was, though that's a lot better than not talking at all.
ReplyDeleteDaniel Flores
Zuleika B.
ReplyDeleteI can agree that most people cannot revert back to friendship once a relationship is sought after between them. Many seem to feel lingering emotion or even embarrassment if they become friends after sharing so much of information of each other. People might feel uneasy not knowing whether secrets told are being kept secrets etc. But I can disagree that is impossible for friendship to be maintained. I have reverted to friendship with all but one of my ex's and it has been do so by keeping friendly and having trust on both sides. There are many different ways people can avoid feeling uneasy and uncomfortable. You can set up rules at the beginning of relationship that might keep you feeling safe afterward.
What Tolles says means to me that many people try to look for things in others that they themselves feel like they cannot possibly posses or develop. Many of these have to deal with how they feel about themselves or how independent they are from others. Everyone needs people around at some point or another but sometimes we need them because we feel as though we cannot fill a gap in our lives. This is of course wrong. Gaps can be filled but its much easier to have someone else fill it than you yourself.
The reason friendships that go into a relationship that try to go back into a friendship do not work is because when the relationship ends it usually is ended by one person. The break up tends not to be mutual so the person who still has the strong feeling towards the other will have a hard time going back to being "just friends". On the other hand if the relationship ends well with both parties its more likely to return to its original friendly status @>----
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