Ya can't spell "language" without the U! (YOU)
One of the main things to take away from this interpersonal course is that YOU as an individual, are the one who defines your reality, your space, your unique YOUniverse. Many things such as perceptions, emotions and identity scripts are within your control. Even if before taking this class, you believed these aspects of yourself and others were "the way they were born" or "that's just how I am"--now you have been empowered by understanding: This 'me' is just one way I can be, if I like being that way, and if I don't or if I am dissastisfied, I can be a different me! The tool for growth is , as Wood reminds us: language--it can limit us or propel us forward with progress and growth! Are you limiting yourself with language? Expand you vocabulary and expand your YOU niverse! For this portion of your final (20points) Identify 2 terms, (make sure no one else has used the same ones or I won't count your entry) pronouns or other words or short sayings that you use about yourself, either inwardly during negative self-talk or out loud in relationship-level communication that limit your growth or the growth of someone important to you--Language which you could improve. State the term or phrase and then provide and example of replacement language that will elevate you to be the YOU you aspire to be, expand yourself to become the 'self-actualized' YOU who uses powerful 'I' language, does not avoid conflict, listens with your heart and is mindful! Namaste!
My example: One thing is would like to change is my language when I get frustrated. I say "come on you piece of garbage" kind of under my breath when something falls or I drop something if I am in a hurry or can't get my keys in the lock fast enough. Know what I mean? This is a very negative phrase and it implies that inatimate objects are "letting me down" which is very egotistical. Random "inefficiency" has nothing to do with me, in fact, efficiency is my own perception, not every single thing in life is intended to be "efficient"--blooming flowers take a long time! So-I want to slow down, be more mindful and learn to let things go when they don't happen my way, acknowledge that I am not in control of anthing but myself and instead say "that's ok" which is a better response to teach my daughter too!
Patience!!!I never seem to have enough of these. When I'm listening to someone talk that is gong on and on, I have a tendency to tune them out because I notice that they are taking too long to get to the point. Everytime I do it, I always ask myself afterwards, "Why do you do that Mimi?" I never have an answer for myself, I end up finding some excuse as to why I did it. Denial! Denial! Denial!
ReplyDeleteI am learning to observe myself more as to when the point of impatience comes to the surface. So far I have realized that when I am in a rush or feeling rushed, my impatience appears. As if it becomes some sort of way of showing me that I am irritable or overwhelmed with what's coming at me. I feel backed into a corner and I dont want to deal with the conflict, then I feel stressed. It ends up turning into a downward spiral, at that point everything is off, my whole world is turned upside down. I have been told that patience is practiced,practice makes perfect and perfect makes you better. In order for me to be better I need to practice,practice,practice when I feel the onset of being overwhelmed. Take a deep breath and think of wonderful thoughts before I flip out.
Getting easily annoyed is something I would like to change. I have noticed that my feelings of exasperation emerge whenever I am tired or hungry or if one of my other basic needs have not been met. I tend to direct my cranky mood to my family because our I-Thou relationship has security in that they will still love me through my trivial and selfish moods. Now I am being metacognitive and am making an effort to catch myself when I get irritable. I try to remind myself that it's not my families fault that I didn't go to bed earlier last night, or I hadn't had anything to eat all day - it is actually my own. So, closing my eyes and thinking, "You'll be alright" before snapping back is a good place to start.
ReplyDeleteAnother emotion I would like to work on is jumping to conclusions. I have a bad habbit of hearing bits of a conversation and then filling in the blanks and assuming something invalid. I then join the conversation after I hear parts of it and talk about what I think they're talking about. But now, I will mindfully listen to a conversation if I want to jump into it. And if I didn't quite catch the drift of it, I will say something like "What was that about....(and ask about what I actually heard)? So that way I will be mindfully listening, while calmly joining in.
Bharathi
Trust!!!
ReplyDeleteTrust is a big part in any relationship, and with that in mind, behavior I would like to change is not compromising myself by elaborating stories and fluffing the details trying to make my stories as well as my life sound better than it is. It is important to maintain a healthy relationship by remaining grounded in any conversation especially with a romantic relationship.
Love,
It is important to find love in life, some find it in pets, stuff animals, people and even substances. I believe no matter what the case when one finds love, they must stay grounded, I know its hard, and the anticipation of finding it is hard, but it is important to consider.
When I am really tired i start doubting myself, and abilities that i do have. I kitchen sink myself right into I am a piece aof crap at the center of the universe. This even comes up for me when I am not tired, but i noticce it the most when I am. One activitiy i am trying to do now is getting more rest as my physical,mental, spirtual are all changing really fast and my body has gone through so many transformations in 2 1/2 years. I often forget this. One way I can think of elevating my self to self actualiziation around this is not just the rest, but also remebering I have a higher power to ask for help that i don't have to go at this alone. I try to remeber when i am feeling negative the slogan i have enough, I do enough, I am enough because my mind/ego tells me I am not. The other thing I notice about myself is I live in such fear, and that has become a comfortable place becuase I know exactly what it looks and feels like. What it looks and feels like in part means that I don't have to change a behavior or action, and that is when I see I really need to becuase when I want or go to the fear room it is really dark; sometimes I get scared about being late places so I speed and then I get worried; this just triggers so many negative self defeating emotions and actions. My solution for this would be to trust more more, and not to try and fix myself. I strive for that in my mediations daily and my actions. I have really enjoyed this class and it has added to my recovery.Michelle P
ReplyDeleteOne of the biggest problems I find my self getting into lately is by replying "I know". This has been a big eye opener with my boyfriend becuause he points it out to me and i do use it a lot. I use it to end an argument or just to stop a conversation instead of taking a hit and explaining myself. And he always replies to me by say "oh, so you know everything?". Obviously, I don't I just use it as an easy way out of something. This leads me to the next part I want to work on with myself, interupting. I seriously have learned so much about myself from my boyfriend. I know I do these things, but he's the one that doesn't let me get away with them. I don't know what it is, but I can't just let him talk without putting in my 2 cents about whatever he's saying. I need to let him finish and then respond. both of these I try to work on, but it is sort of hard after you've apparently been doing it for so long. My boyfriend truely has made me a better person and has helped me to WANT to be a better person.
ReplyDeletePaige Miller
Holding people up to my expectations is something that I would like to change. I have always been the type of person to want to excel and shine in everything that I do and because of that, I find myself with a full plate.I try work hard in my work and personal life. For many people it may sound like a good thing, but for me it has caused me so much frustration along with hurting other peoples feelings. I often tell myself "if I can do it, then why can't they"??? I guess you can say that my ego begins to talk.
ReplyDeleteFor example, When I am at work I constantly stay moving, staying on top of everything. There are so many other employees that struggle with there tables and constantly need help with things. I don't mind helping, but after a while I get frustrated and irritable. I begin to tell my self " If i can do it than why can't they"? I often find myself having expectations for people and when they don't meet the expectations i have in my mind i get frustrated with them and the situation at hand. In reality i have began to realize that i can't measure people up to me and how i do things. I have began to understand that if i continue to do that than i will continuosly be disappointed and frustrated. Instead of measuring people up to MY EXPECTATIONS i need to deal with people as individuals and be more opened minded. We all have flaws, some good and some bad. We all come from different backgrounds and different ways of thinking and who am i to hold someone to my expectations. My father always told my that "Your wise when you realize that you know nothing at all" and " When you point the finger at someone, there's 3 pointing back at you"
Bless McCrary
Tardiness is something I have a big problem with. I am late to almost everything. Class, work, social gatherings, you name it, I'm late. I think this tends to communicate the wrong message about me to others. Teachers don't think I care about class and my friends think that I don't care about our plans. I've started telling myself things like "you were born late." I've started viewing myself as a late person. It all stems from a lack of motivation in the morning, but I have started to see myself as lethargic and lazy. It has become a sort of self fulfilling prophecy because now I am starting to BE lethargic and lazy. Now I try to tell myself things like "you can make it" when I'm trying to get somewhere to give myself the proper motivation to arrive on time and send the right message to everyone, including myself.
ReplyDeleteI also have a problem with getting schoolwork and homework done. Whenever I leave something until the last minute I start telling myself "you'll never get it done in time" or "you can't do this, you don't have enough time." This of course causes me to fail at whatever task I'm doing. I want to change this defeatist attitude and break the cycle of self-destruction. Now I will tell myself "this is easy," or "You're over thinking it, you can do it."
You guys rule--I am so proud of your self disclosure and I struggle with many of the same things you do--knowing you aren't alone in a challenge is reassuring isn't it? I recently noticed how deep my "sarcastic face scrunch lines" are getting between my eyebrows --hmmm...guess I make that look a little too often--Nothinglike a litle non-verbal indication --So, add mindfulness to my list too! Wink--S
ReplyDeleteJust trying to "relax" and enjoy and the surrouding enviorment in a peaceful way. Not be all monk-like or anything, but if you think about it, if you're constantly on the edge and putting your body through physical stress you don't learn anything about what's being presented.
ReplyDeleteInstead the inner noise was being cranked up inside my head, so I clear my mind for just a moment so I could be aware of the present time.
And to be "open" about what is being taugh and how I percieve things. Instead of just assuming what's being said is the correct answer, research it, ask questions, engage with my classmats.
CraigC
In my life, I tend to hold people up to these certain expectations... and when i feel like they've not met them, I eradicate those persons from my life. Maybe the word i'm trying to change is tolerance. I am by no means a saint. But what I am is a very thoughtful (did i mention sensitive?) person and when I (key word here: I) interepret something someone has done as insensitive, I no longer want to be around that person, I won't tolerate them. What i'm learning is that i am not their judge. Nor do I have any right to judge people in my life because of thier shortcomings and mistakes. Taking a step back I wonder: jeez Mer!!!? How do you know the stuff you do doesn't piss your friends off and they don't say anything about it, they just tolerate it because they care about me or they understand that I AM NOT PURRRFECT?! I suppose it is very selfish of me to have this idealistic approach to friendship, what i'm learning slowly but surly is that I need to be mindful of others' different circumstances and not expect certain outcomes. At day's end, it's better to know that instead of being mad at my friend Jasmine for smoking even though she's expecting, listening to her struggles as she copes with another pregnancy could be a help within itself.
ReplyDeleteFor moi I need to break free.....break free from what ever it is thats holding me back from doing what I need to do. I need to go back to being that happy chipper person I usually am. I find myself getting angry a little too often and at the stupidest situations. I normally tend to be a laid back kinda guy. I try to look at the brighter spots in life but I am not sure what it is. It seems like as i get older i keep second guessing myself in everything I do. Before I would not worry so much about what I did but more about what needed to be done. So what I need to change is the way I handle certain situations and problems. I won't get angry just get through it. The best way to deal with something is to go through it.
ReplyDeleteOn a side note...I'd like to say I enjoyed taking this class. The students in the class also made it pretty enjoyable and any teacher that can make us laugh on a daily basis is A O.K. in my book =o)
A.I.R.
A saying in spanish says "Te quieres tomar el mar en un solo trago" which translates into "You want to swallow the ocean in a mouthful". What it means is that in a small amount of time you want to finish your overall goal. To reach that goal over working yourself isnt an option but more like a must. Currently I work full time and attend school as a full time student aswell. Besides school and work I also have a boyfriend and various other activities that keep me busy half of the time. Having more time for myself to relax and hang out would be things I would like to work on to improve myself and not limit my activities to just be work and school realated but more about having fun. Another thing I have noticed that i should change are my anger. My anger limits me because it keeps me from listening to others when they are trying to explain a situation, problem or event. It limits me to just my ideas and concerns and blocks everyone elses comments I wish I didnt do that because everyones perspective on an issue should be taken in consideration when trying to resolve something that way everyone is satisfied when the outcome comes around. Trying to ignore things that make me angry and try to relax and not be so focused on school and work are just the most imporant things I believe I need to change about 'me'!!!.
ReplyDeleteCristina Jimenez
Zuleika Becerra
ReplyDeleteI've been told many times that my two biggest weaknesses in communication are silence and walking away. This is true. Many times that I start to feel like the topic at hand is "no use" to talk about anymore or i just feel like I cannot handle it any longer I do one of two things: walk away or be silent.
We learned that non-verbal communication says a lot more sometimes than verbal communication. And I've had much training at expressing myself with more than just words. It began with expressing anger and frustration with my parents when I knew because of their traditions I would not be able to let them know any other way than by subtle expressions and gestures. Then it went on with hard tuning in Speech and Debate teams. If I was told not to look my parents that way then silence was next and our last resort was to simply walk away. The environment has taught to do both well but I can change these things about me. Yet I still do not catch myself early enough when I do these things and I need to still be told that I'm doing them. my perception is that I'm doing nothing abnormal but to someone like my boyfriend who talks things out it seems like I don't care. It's not that I don't care I just need to learn how to deal with i tall better. But I have began to catch myself before it happens lately so that's one step towards being better.
I think two areas or weakness for me are becoming defensive and assuming. For the first:
ReplyDeleteWhen someone approaches me and wants to point something out that I might be doing wrong or that I need to do some work on my character or so on...I can get defensive. When I enter this mode I don't use I language but instead make up excuses or turn on the other person and point out something wrong with them. I need to replace defensiveness with understanding. I need to understand that in a discussion with someone else that I need to hear what they are saying and truly see where they are coming from. Even if they are hostile, I don't need to get defensive because I understand who I am and I can always improve myself. Now for assuming:
Assuming can get me in some trouble. Sometimes I tend to assume a person may act a certain way based on the way they dress or talk. But the reality is that I don't really know them. I frequently assume what people are feeling in a certain situation because that's the WAY I WOULD FEEL. I don't take the time to ask questions first and see how they feel, but instead label whatever I think they are feeling. Even in my jokes, I can assume stuff that might not be correct. I need to replace this with mindful listening. I need to listen before I speak and be fully aware, present, and tuned into what the other person is feeling.
Daniel McNeil
I would have to say I would like to work on is committment it would really be hard for me to be committed with someone and get married I guess because I have a lot of trust issues so its hard for me and I always have that wall up. I think if I could fix that I would be alright. But now days it's so hard to trust the person next to you, so how can you be committed to that person for life. I guess it takes time.Then could you trust that person? I guess it's that risk you have to take for love. Thats one of the major things I need to work on for myself. Brianne K.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeletetwo things i would change or improve about myself would be
ReplyDeleteto stop being so indecisive and to stop the phrase "its whatever" or "don't matter" for example whenever my friends and i go out to eat or find something to do, I'm always asked so what do you want to eat? or what do you want to do? i always end up giving them an answer of "don't matter to me its whatever" sometimes i understand why i say that because it really doesn't matter what i eat as long as i have something in my stomach. what i should be doing is being more direct and assertive instead of being all indecisive and never knowing what to do. i need to really improve on asserting myself and giving my own opinion on things.
another thing i would like to change is to open my ears a little more and take in what people say to me. i need to stop using my selective hearing. a lot of times i find myself in my own little cooped up world when someone talks to me , i think its more like i get distracted easily, it goes in one ear and straight through the other without stopping. my example would be when I'm really into my math homework and my roomates are talking to me about plans for dinner, which doesnt makes sense to me that when im doing something i would think they would be smart enough not to bother me but anyways, while im stuck in my own world they ask me what i want for dinner and i just hear food or ____ ___ __ dinner? there are other occasion too where i find myself actually having a conversation with my roomates at dinner and i kinda block out what one is saying and hear just my name or louder volume or voice trying to get my attention.
Thats my second problem and what i need to do is to be more mindful. wood says " mindfulness is being fully present in the moment " its exactly what i need to do a lot more. wood also said "when people sense we are really listening , they tend to elaborate on their ideas and express themselves in more depth" so instead of being so out of it all the time i need to commit to what people are saying to me and be more mindful
Two things that I would benefit from altering in my way of being are my extreme cynicism and staying in the moment.
ReplyDeleteI am a very cynical person, and a certain amount of this is important, especially as a future scientist, but too much gets in the way of possibilities. As an atheist I have little patience for the "supernatural", but while it isn't necessary to believe in gods and fairies, I may be missing out on some of the wonder that the world has to offer, and that's sad because I remember when I felt that wonder as a child and everything was possible, everything was amazing. Wow. That was one headlong, run-on sentence. I'm glad we aren't being graded on grammar!
Staying in the moment, especially when my husband and I are having a conflict is something else I really need to work on. It's so easy to find myself dwelling on what I'm going to say when it's my turn to speak instead of listening to what is being said and this is not healthy or helpful in my relationship. Yoda tells us to be mindful, and it is important to realize that I am still a Padwan in this life. Yes, I am a geek.
Amber Beckton
I was reading up on the chapter that had mentioned Autonomy and Connection. It really made me think. I notice that the semesters before this one, I depended on my friends a lot to get away from my problems. I think I do this because I hate being alone. So night after night, I'd go out and party with my friends to forget what little problems that I had. Eventually, my grades would slip, and I would fall behind. I'd always catch up, but it was such a struggle, and it added more stress to my life. (Party now! Study later!)
ReplyDeleteNow I realize that all those little problems (and big problems) are what make us stronger. I notice that ever since I stopped hanging out with one particular group of friends, there was less drama and stress in my life. I feel more independent not having to rely on people to make me happy.
Sometimes it's ok to let people go for your own personal growth. :)
It seems that commonly I'm known for always speaking in a reg. voice to a silent one. This is all due to the "inner voice" going on in my head. Every time my inner voice acts up, the volume of my voice is being interfered, usually because I spend too much time thinking and not enough time actually saying something. I go about questioning what it is I'm saying when the person I'm speaking with looks at me like I'm crazy. This is something I could really improve on.
ReplyDeleteSomething else that I can work to improve my communication skills would be my listening skills, pseudo listening in particular. I always seems to drift away in thought, so much that it starts to interfere with what goes on around me. I usually pseudo listen when I talk with my dad. He always tries to give my the same lectures over and over, so much that I go off in a thought and pretend to listen. I say I've developed almost a skill from doing this so often. Though I'm not focused on what your saying, if I heard a phrase I'm familiar with, my mouth would have an automatic response for whatever it is. This isn't really a healthy way to communicate so I really focused lately to what people are trying to tell me and actually I learned that you really can better understand someone just by sitting down and listening.
Daniel Flores
one thing that i would like to improve is my " time management" I always find my self doing things with my time that are irrelavent to what matters most.I think i do this because i haven't quite got out of my teenage mode. I think that once i accept that i'm growing up and I have bigger reponsibilities it will be easier for me to stay on tract and get what i need to do done.Theres just a big part of me that just doesn't want to grow up.I want to work on trying to be mindful in the way i use my time.My next weakness is road rage. I get so mad at people driving like they don't know where they are going.i need to learn how to control this because it gets my blood pressure high for really no reason at all. I need to accept the fact that everyone doesn't drive the same.So now i TRY to just breathe when i feel anger coming on from someone driving slow or making wild lane changes.U-kyr@
ReplyDeleteI guess this is what I get for being possibly the last person to post on the blog. Everyone pretty much said what I was planning to say, which include: what Michelle said about doubting herself when she’s tired, Bless and Meriam’s expectations, Craig’s relaxation, AIR’s post, Daniel’s assuming, and btaco’s post.
ReplyDeleteTwo things about me that limit my growth: my modesty and over-analytical side
One thing that I’d like to change is that I’m too modest—when people compliment me on a job well done, or some other aspect of me, I never know how to respond. What I’ve been doing before is giving people strange looks while saying “okay.. …” and the atmosphere just gets awkward from there on. I reply with “okay” probably because I’ve never been praised before by anyone (e.g., my parents) and because I was raised with a perfectionist view on how I have to be the best, or that I could do better on something. Another reason is perhaps subconsciously don’t want to appear too stuck-up, conceited, or arrogant if I reply to a compliment with “thanks” or some other phrase; I wanted to humble, yet gracious. One of my bosses actually brought this to my attention b/c she keeps telling me how she thinks I’m depressed and negative b/c I look @ her weird as I say “okay, thanks” for calling me beautiful, having nice skin or something. I never really thought of my modesty in this context before. I’m still not quite sure how to handle this since I’m not used to being praised. I am grateful, but I’m still unsure as to how I should approach it. For now, I’ll just respond with a smile and a thank you, instead of my previous habitual weird look and “okay”..
From reading the paragraph above, you can probably tell that I tend to over-analyze things once I actually take the time to think about certain things. The message in a conversation that I have with someone can be so simple, yet, (if it’s important or debatable) I automatically analyze it from all the perspectives—of different gender, cultures, ethnicities, you name it. It can be a simple yes or no question, yet I’ll still question the question itself. This part of me has frustrated people in the past and has somewhat lead to my un-decisive nature. I think the only way alleviate this over-analyzing is to take a chill pill and relax. Either I not think about anything at all, half-ass my thinking (not really attentive or caring), or analyze stuff to the max (esp. if it interests or concerns me). As a friend told me, “this kind of stuff (analyzing) is what gives you grey hair!!” It is pretty hard not to analyze things since I am in school still.
--JKong
Anger towads my electronic equipment
ReplyDeleteI am a technology savvy person and take pride in constantly having the biggest and best -most-up to date electronic equipment possible. IT is because of this that I easily lose my temper when it doesn't sound right or malfunctions. I can go from calm to extremely pissed off (cursing and wanting to break things) if there are issues with my electronic equipment. Nothing else triggers this type of reaction in me. It is my goal to work on my anger management skills with my electronic equipment toys. Especially now that I have a child, I know I cannot teach him to follow in these footsteps of immaturity.
Another one is my anxiety about m investments.
I am obsessed with trying to find the perfect time to invest in stocks. I stay up late to research and me and a couple of buddies will constantly talk about them at work too. On a daily basis I constantly check my investments to see their progress and try to figure out a way to stay ahead of the game. Although what I fail to realize is that staying ahead in this game means having a lot of extra cash flow ready to throw at these stocks at the perfect moment - so i can say yes i bought it at the very bottom. I constantly think about ways to make more money because I am not convinced that people should have to work a 9 to 5 for 30 to 40 years in order to retire someday - with barely enough to get by.
My goal is to take a break from stocks for one week and not look at them and trying to plot the next investment. I believe in doing so I can relieve some of the anxiety I carry around about money and alleviate some un-needed stress.
Tim Cereceres
harold davis hear. my kindness is a weakness. i have a great joy for life and dont look to get over on people. But with all the good in the world there is still some evil and they too have smiling faces. i just put my faith in god and go about my busenes. i thought that time management would be a weakness but it turns out that im just lazy and if i really put my mind to something i can achieve it. thanks for the memories in this class i shurly wont forget the funny moments and the pot luck.
ReplyDeleteOk--Can I just say I am STILL full from the potluck! What a spread people--nothing like great food,fabulous company and an extremely confusing story about crystals and lines and poems and trying to write and eat at the same time. Who turned in the paper with the smashed won-ton on it? I know you're out there!!!!
ReplyDeleteI think this Blog topic is very important because we have to remember that outside stimuli or other people aren’t the only ones that affect us our self-concept. The way we think or communicate internally can influence our personality and the way we do things. First thing that I would like to change or work on is Self-Sabotage. Sometimes I when I am facing a tough challenge, I always wait until the last minute to do it, because I keep thinking I don’t think I can do it or I don’t think I can handle it. For example, I was applying to grad schools, when it was time to apply to one of the toughest schools, I just couldn’t get myself to apply. I kept telling myself what’s point it too hard to get in anyways. This kind of feeling also leads to procrastination and then it’s just downhill from there. I am going to work on this one step at a time. I need to tell myself that it’s ok to fail and I if fail you get up, dust yourself off, and start again.
ReplyDeleteAnother thing I need to work on is the way I respond to conflict. My response is mostly the loyalty response, where I feel that it’s better to not engage in conflict because it will only hurt everyone and make things worse. I maybe good in some cases however sometimes I feel that I am putting off my needs. I need to start giving voice to issues and problems with grace.
I learned a lot from this class and got some good tools to use in everyday life. I also enjoyed the potluck and got some great recipes.
Abrar
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